Wednesday, March 8, 2017

BK: NEW Crispy Chicken Sandwich, Jalapeno Chicken Fries & BBQ Bacon King


Sl33zy here, the defacto unofficial Burger King correspondent for the Fatguyfoodblog. I've been going back on forth on BK's fare for about a year now, and we've had a bit of a roller coaster relationship recently- and not like a fun roller coaster at Six Flags but more like an old, creaky wooden one where you're too afraid of it suddenly collapsing to have any fun. Last time I was there, I had mighty low expectations for the Whopperito, which honestly ended up being the best fast food item I've reviewed for this blog. But don't you think for a hot second I'm going in there and expecting a fluke like that to happen again. 

At the time I wrote that review, I was still basking in the afterglow of the Whopperito's deliciousness. However, now I have to reread the review just to believe it actually happened- it's like a dream I had while dozing off in the hot sun with a sombrero tipped over my eyes on the side of a busy interstate. It appears I've been burned by BK so many times, even after a 10/10 experience, they still couldn't salvage their reputation with me. Honestly, if it wasn't for this blog, I'd probably be okay with never setting foot in old BK again.

But they just seem to keep cranking out new shit, and I've got a blog to write. So true to the old FGFB motto, time to spend my hard-earned cashola on the latest and probably-not greatest so you don't have to!

Because of sharing this blog on my Facebook page and the blog itself being powered by Google, I'm constantly barraged with aggressive fast food marketing in my news feed- so I went in expecting to try the new Bacon King sandwich and the slightly less new Jalapeno Chicken Fries. I didn't know that the very same day BK was rolling out a new Crispy Chicken Sandwich.


i made this in paint
Was it fortune that had brought me there on this special day... or hubris? 


this was like $20...
To be honest, chicken sandwiches really ain't my game. As I've mentioned recently, the point is lost on me. If you're going to bread and then fry chicken why bother putting it on more bread? A dipping sauce would suffice just fine here. Meal complete and assumably a job well done. But for some reason, somebody at some point said, "Nah man, there's simply not enough bread here. The surface area of a chicken tender does not accurately represent my passion for bleached flour. When eating chicken tenders I prefer my bread to chicken ratio to be at least 1 to 1. For every chicken morsel I consume, it must be fully padded in wheat." Well, whatever, I've been watching the Pengest Munch on YouTube recently; that dude seems to have his shit together and he gets one every time... Maybe there's just some textural element I'm missing here.

But I'll tell you exactly what textural element I'm not missing: rubber! Which is exactly how I'd describe this chicken sandwich- QUITE RUBBERY. In fact, if I had dropped the thing as I rightly should have, no doubt it'd still be ricocheting around the restaurant. For real, this chicken patty crunched in a disturbing way. My bites were almost kind of snapping off, like eating some kind of microwaved chicken jerky. Although the texture was unpleasant, the taste is about what I was expecting: a routine conjuncture of chicken, bread and mayonnaise; the taste that I imagine one who enjoys fast food chicken sandwiches looks for in a fast food chicken sandwich. Probably not that texture tho. 


fresh out the wrapper
Holy shit- if this is the NEW chicken sandwich what the fuck was wrong with the old one?!

The future of this meal looked grim, but nonetheless I moved on to the Jalapeno Chicken Fries (aw, how brave of me.) 


yo this box can hold at least ten more chicken fries
These were good- the straw-like shape of them offered an extra crunch and would've made them better to dip, if I were offered any dipping sauces. They were a little greasy and some were oddly shaped, but they tasted so much better than the chicken sandwich I was grateful. However, with "Jalapeno" in the name, I was expecting a bit of a kick, but the spice game here was weak. If it weren't for the bits of green on the outside, I'd assume there had been a mix-up.


yum


did you hear chicken fries are legal in MA now?
After consuming these oddities, the BBQ Bacon King by contrast was much too familiar. Firstly, the amount of bacon included on this sandwich warrants a name more like "Bacon Jester". So with that being the case, I can't really even figure out why this sandwich exists- BK already had a bacon cheeseburger, and it was just okay. Unfortunately, the same could be said of this one- but with a boisterous enough name to immediately dash my hopes.  


god I hope that was mayo
And so, I was right to keep my expectations low. Even though the "Jalapeno" Chicken Fries were good, they didn't even come close to Whopperito level, or even enough to make up for the awful chicken sandwich or average BBQ Bacon King. 

New Chicken Sandwich: D.
Jalapeno Chicken Fries: B-.
BBQ Bacon King: C+.


Review by sl33zy

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Friday, February 24, 2017

Raising Cane's


Ask any BU student where to get the best chicken fingers around- most of them will tell you Raising Cane’s right here in Allston, and the ones that don’t are probably being conscious of their consistently long lines. It’s a unique spot both in name and location- of their ~311 restaurants, this is the only one north of Ohio, which by contrast has 8. (For those curious about the name, I urge you to dismiss that curiosity. I’ve read the whole story and it kind of explains it but not really.)



What I find most interesting about Raising Cane’s is that they sell chicken tenders- only chicken tenders, aside from coleslaw, fries, and texas toast. (OK, technically, they have a chicken sandwich where they put the tenders on a bun with lettuce and sauce.) But how, exactly, does that business model thrive in 2017- a time when dietary restricted consumers are catered to at almost every major restaurant? Since I’m no businessman, I’ll go with Occam’s razor; they just sell really tasty chicken tenders.


Personally, the limited menu makes my job super easy as a reviewer- order any combo and that’s it, really. The combos are all 2, 3, 4, or 6 pc fingers with sauce, coleslaw, fries, Texas toast and a fountain drink.


Let me begin with the Texas toast. THIS IS A GRILLED HOT DOG BUN WITHOUT THE SPLIT IN THE MIDDLE. A FARCE! I am truly outraged for the entire state of Texas (by the way, I’ve lived in New England my entire life and spent a grand total of maybe 4 hours in Texas during layovers). But how exactly does this qualify as Texas toast?! Look, someone really needs to explain this to me. Either Raising Cane’s needs to rename this menu item or I’m going into every bread isle in America, crossing out “Hot Dog Buns” on every package, and writing “Pre-Texas Toast” on all of them. That’s not how I want to spend the rest of this life. That would be quite silly. A petition would probably be more effective.

But what makes this even more mind-boggling, Texas boasts OVER 100 RAISING CANE’S LOCATIONS! How do these proud, strong, hard-working Americans allow this sham, this caricature to bear the name of their great state?! Again, I’m no Texpert, but if I ordered a Texas toast in Texas somebody damn well be handing me a fried loaf of bread! And I WILL SALUTE THEM.


And here's a funnier .gif from the days of myspace that's also Texas related!





...Anyway, that grilled bun tastes alright, though.


However, the coleslaw and fries are both truly unspectacular. Both items are in fact so average, for every character I’ve typed after that first sentence I become more and more indifferent to reality itself. If I continue to go on about them for even a few sentences more, I may disappear into the fabric of reality as though I’ve never existed. I’ve actually had to type this last bit with my knuckles, as my fingers have become ghostly and are passing right through the keyboard. 

PHEW! I reread my passionate rant about Texas toast and my fingers appear to have returned to normal. But I’ll tell you whose still got abnormal fingers- RAISING CANE’S! In fact, they’re paranormally delicious!

(Yeesh. After that bit, I’m tempted to go back and keep typing about the sides.)

But really, I’m only slightly exaggerating how good the chicken fingers are. Super tender, with a nice light breading. Honestly, for as long as I live close-by, I really see no reason to order chicken fingers anywhere else- unless maybe I’ve developed a wicked drug habit and only have enough spare change to order something off a kid’s menu somewhere. 



But, hey, who needs drugs when I have yet to introduce the REAL BULL OF THE RAISING CANE’S RODEO- ITS THE CANE’S SAUCE!

If you’ve read my posts before, you’ve probably realized by now I don’t play when it comes to quality condiments. And if you haven’t, and you don’t know my affection for condiments (which I affectionately abbreviate to condims): last night for dinner I had ketchup, mayonnaise, and relish with a side of hamburger. For real, son. I do that sometimes. One might say i'm condim cray!

But rightly so, when it comes to this Cane’s Sauce. It is a real chicken dipping masterpiece. And the folks at Raising Cane’s know it too- that’s why the RECIPE IS A SECRET! That’s right, a secret condiment recipe- who could even fathom such a thing?!

“Cane’s Sauce is tangy with a little bit of spice and full of flavor. We use our own proprietary blend of premium seasonings and spices in our Sauce and our Restaurant General Managers make a new batch every day in each Raising Cane’s kitchen. Our Sauce recipe is top secret and known only by our General Managers, who are sworn to secrecy (so don’t even ask).” -www.raisingcanes.com

Well, perhaps the full recipe is known only to GMs, but my superior, condiment-honed palate detected four major players: mayonnaise, ketchup, black pepper, and salt. Random Rachel at food.com backs me up; she claims to have discovered a close version of the recipe by looking at similar sauces at other restaurants and trial/error combos. Here’s her's: http://www.food.com/recipe/cane-sauce-for-dippin-chicken-233189. She writes for food.com so she probably knows her shit brah

So to wrap up this ramble: Raising Cane’s. Weird name, great chicken, awesome sauce, don’t expect anything from the sides. Altogether: a B+ joint for a quick meal, if you like chicken fingers. I’m also factoring in that the entire menu compromises of six items. Although that makes ordering easy, it makes the decision to actually go to RC’s a tough one, when you can get way more variety almost anywhere else.




Oh yeah I almost forgot- the drink. Might as well review the entire menu, right? Well, those Texas folks will be highly disappointed to know there's no Big Red here- only Pepsi products. Blech. COKE IS IT! 



Review by sl33zy

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Thursday, February 23, 2017

Thanks a LATTE! Dunkin Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop-Tarts



I tried to rip the box open then remembered I had to take blog pics
 Look what we got here! Judging by the title, you'd think I just slapped together some buzzwords to try and get you to click this link. Unlike members of the mainstream media, FGFB would never publish fake news. This is indeed what the world has come to:

Dunkin Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop Tarts.


Let's go on a journey.

Added little bonus dad jokes


ah yes, I don't think they changed the inner wrapper of these, ever....

little more crumbly than usual

up in dem guts

thats a flaky poptart


I have to say one thing about this, I think Pop Tarts constant need to try and come up with new and exciting flavors have finally led us here. We all grew up with the frostless brown sugar cinnamon, and witnessed the rise, and fall, of legendary flavors. I wanted S'Mores to be my favorite flavor, I really did, but for some reason they just coudn't get that weird chemical chocolate flavor to actually not feel weird inside your mouth. And now here we are, DD and PT finally coming together to deliver a pop tart that actually delivers on it's flavor promise. It tastes almost IDENTICAL to what a vanilla latte topped with a generous portion of whipped cream.


The coffee flavor was slight within this, it's there, but seeing as how Dunkin Donuts coffee barely has any coffee in it as well, they aren't lying to us. Still though, let's see if adding a little browb magic can kick these up a notch!





Missing puzzle piece found! That smooth, refreshing vanilla/marshmallow flavor with a little more coffee really seals the deal. I don't see Starbucks out there really giving people what they want!

As you can tell by the insane amount of pictures in this post, there wasn't much to say about these, except, they were excellent. So if you find yourself walking by a display, reach your swollen fleshy hand out, grab a box, rip it open with your weird round little teeth, and go to town!

I give Dunkin Donuts Frosted Vanilla Latte Pop Tarts an A. 


Review by Josh

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Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Chocolate Strawberry Oreos!



WHERE DOES IT END?!?!!?!
Oreo is like the flavor nymphomaniacs of the cookie world. You went in, gave it your all, and all of a sudden, Oreo peeks her head back into the room, grabs you by the mouth genitals and demands more!


Now I'm not sure what mouth genitals are, but whatever, we're a food blog, not a nerd science blog for dweebs. Let me tell you if you should spend your money on the newest offering from the team that has brought you such cookie greats like:


(I know we've reviewed more but that's all I could lazily dig up with the tags)


First off, and I'll never, EVER, let this go. Oreo has ditched the old WAY TOO MUCH packaging, to a less full, OH THIS IS GONE IN A DAY packaging. I'll always harp on this, but after years of the new direction, I don't think we're getting the old cookie count back.

You rip open one of these tiny, tiny, TINY, cookie packages, and the room automatically fills with a strong strawberry scent. We all know what the cookie part of the Oreo tastes like, that familiar chocolate helicarrier for various creme's. This creme?


DELICIOUS! It's strong, mouth filling strawberry flavor has all the hallmarks of a great cookie. Sweet and strawberry smooth. The rich creme washes over your tongue and the cookie crunching system delivers flavor to your entire mouth with it's ingenious cookie missile delivery bombardment. 


Since we're not a science blog for dickheads, but a bastion of information and freedom for the internet, we decided to investigate into this cookie further. We took our eye genitals and smeared them across this strawberry/choco creme landscape to see what we could discover. What made these so good? I took out the middle, the seemingly "strawberry" flavor globule, and tried that on it's own. TASTELESS. I attacked the rest of the chocolate colored cream and all I could taste was that same chocolate strawberry cream that made this cookie so delicious.


It seems Oreo has decided to give us the illusion of a strawberry center, and just packed their food science into only two thirds of this cookie. Now, would filling the entire cookie with that flavor have been too much? Are we to trust Oreo and let them decide how much flavor we want? I'm not sure, but so far, Oreo has delivered unto me more happy afternoons than I've had Christmas's mornings. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt on this one.

I give Chocolate Strawberry Oreo's a B+
Now I know, you're asking yourself with such a glowing review, why the lower grade?
Oreo has set the bar so high, they really need to do something to give us something absolutely crazy. A lot like Apple, they need to get to innovating, and give us something that really transcends the mouth pleasure scale. I know you have it in you Oreo, we've been here many times....





Review by Josh

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The 2017 UPDATE you've been waiting for!



Hey Hey fellow fat guys and gals! I'm sure you're all wondering where it is we've been the past few eh? You'd figure running a highly successful food blog read by over a million people would be super easy to keep up with. But the truth is, the FGFB media empire is vast, and the time and dedication it takes to run a media megaconglomerate taxes even the most steadfast of food bloggery souls.

So after our brief hiatus, I wanted to inform you that Fat guy Food Blog is back, and ready to make you piss your ever tightening sweatpants in a regular manner. Thanks for your dedication, and we're looking to make 2017 be just as amazing as every other year here at FGFB HQ. As always, feel free to hit us up on our email, or any of our social media channels if you find want to share anything delicious or hilarious with your favorite muscle bound food bloggers.

-Josh & FGFB

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Thursday, October 13, 2016

Caramel Apple Oatmeal Creme Pies!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Fall has arrived! If the leaves changing colors and the horrid heat of the summer departing weren't enough to clue you in, perhaps the large amount of Pumpkin flavored items on the shelves at your local supermarket clued you in. It seems like every major brand has a pumpkin or pumpkin spice item. Along comes Little Debbie to shake things up. Do they have pumpkin flavored stuff? You bet. But the Queen of Snack Cakes knows that Fall isn't just about pumpkin. So when I saw these new Caramel Apple Oatmeal Creme Pies, I knew I had to try them. Carmel Apples bring forth memories of going to the fairs in the fall! Gorging on delicious foods and playing games of chance to win cheap prizes. Taking a spin on a ride that's been taken apart and reassembled a hundred times by any number of haggard carnies. Caramel apples are always there, like a necessary prop in the background of every fair and carnival. I'm not sure anyone after 1952 has ever liked caramel apples. They are always there but I never see anyone buy them. They are a treat from a bygone era, but the idea of them still gets me excited!

Colorful Fall Leaves on the box and everything!
Let's get one thing clear before we go any further. I'm not sure when it happened, but suddenly I realized a while back that Little Debbie is THE pastry company these days. In my younger days I would have said it was Hostess, but let's face it, they fell off and they fell off hard. While they seem like they are doing well, they will never take the crown back from Little Debbie. Name any one item you like from another snack cake company and I can name you a dozen things Little Debbie does that are better. She now rules the snack cake aisle with an Iron Fist. Like I said back in the Milky Way Brownie post, All hail the Queen of Snack Cakes. Mother of Pastries, Breaker of Diets. If you doubt it, just peer into her icy, dark blue eyes.

All hail the queen!
Why am I kissing her ass so much before starting this review? Because she deserves it! She puts out the Oatmeal Creme Pie. END OF STORY. SHUT THE DAMN BOOK! They are one of the greatest things ever thought up by a human brain. So soft and delicious. The other versions of them are pretty great too! Fudge Rounds, and even the Peanut Butter Cookie creme pies are excellent. So going into these Caramel Apple ones I was pretty excited, and I have to say, I wasn't let down.


Once freed from it's plastic film, you see that it's the same tiny size as the regular OCP. Big difference here though is that it smells like someone just cracked open a jug of fresh apple cider right under my nose. Not only that, but I spy more oats than usual in the cookie!


It was tough to pull the hood back on this hot rod due to how chewy the cookie was. Just like you'd expect. But once inside you can see that there's what appears to be some nice apple butter-esque goo, and a different shade of the classic Oatmeal Creme Pie "creme." As I suspected, this is where the Caramel flavor is coming from. Apple goo plus caramel creme between two thin, chewy oatmeal cookies. Ripped open like this, it doesn't look like much, but together? Together it's the fall treat you never knew you wanted.



In the end I have to say that these are a welcome change to the limited edition fall item. Everyone does Pumpkin Spice! Josh just reviewed THREE PUMPKIN SPICE CEREALS! I say the more apple the better.  These are a great start. I can happily say that if they pop up next year I will 100% scoop them up and enjoy them with a nice cup of mulled cider.  They are an awesome spin on a classic, fan favorite pastry item from the company currently on top, Little Debbie.

I give Caramel Apple Oatmeal Creme Pies an A-! Would have been a plus if they were just a little bit bigger!

PS- Twinkie the Kid, if I were you, I would wipe that smile off your face and make yourself scarce. Before the Queen realizes just how creepy you are and green lights your ass!



Review by Rich, resides in New Hampshire and likes to boast that he's eaten more apple cider donuts than everyone reading this review combined. Think you've got him beat? NOPE.

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Monday, October 10, 2016

Pumpkin Spice Er'Thang: Cheerios, Special K, and Frosted Mini Wheats

I walked into my local Market Basket, and out of the corner of my eye, I caught a little something new.

Now what in the good Christ is Cheerios doing messing with pumpkin spice? I wasn't sure, but I was damn sure this food blogger was going to find out. Now you'd think that'd be enough, but by the time my short little legs were carrying my bebopping, whistling face out the front door, I had discovered that not only was Cheerios not alone, they had roped in some heavy hitters to join in the pumkin spice craze.


 SO me and the GF decided to forgo a real dinner, and go through and pour a bowl of each!


First up, I decided to go with a cereal I remember liking quite a bit when I was going through that 20 something cereal phase. Hey sometimes you've got to try something other than Reeses Puffs.





These things were pretty much what you'd expect. That hint of pumpkin, wrapped up with a thin frosting taste, and depending on how long you let it sit in the cereal, a solid crunch, or a mouthful of wet wiggly wheat strands. I think what held this together so well was the "frost", that sugary cool blast of what MIGHT rest somewhere in the marshmallow family.




As a man who doesn't really like ginger anything (besides ale) I was bummed when I read that it was a main component of this cereal. Special K is never that good unless it's overloaded with freeze dried fruit!



Looks like chunks of cardboard, but in all actuality, this cereal was pretty damn good. As a dry option, it didn't really work. What was needed for this to sing, was all of the elements working together. There was that nice familiar chemical concoction that is whatever pumpkin spice is, and then within that, the little cinnamon cluster blasts really helped make the overall flavor of this cereal taste decent.


Last on the list, Cheerios.


I know most people either love or hate Cheerios.  I've always enjoyed a bowl or two of the breakfast classic, but this time, this time was very different.



Tasting these dry is like eating those packing peanuts that you get that are "edible". And you only ever eat those on a dare, or if you never have, you pop them in your mouth, waiting for them to be absolutely disgusting, and they aren't, but don't taste good either.


Now the real test, in milk, these were absolutely horrid. They taste like a blander Cheerio covered in pepper, rolled in dirt. There is only one person on the planet that would think these are good.


  These are the worst Cheerios I've ever consumed. The only time they've altered Cheerios, and it's been edible, is when they decided to make honey-nut. Every other iteration of the Cheerio is like a wretched lesson they are trying to teach children by making the most foul tasting cereal they can. A cruel joke on children around the globe.

Out of the three, I'd have to say the Pumkin Spice Frosted Mini Wheats were the star of the new line of fad cereals this fall, with a solid runner up trophy going to Special K. This year, pumpkin spice came out so hard it has effectively twisted it's chassis off the line. 


I don't know where this is going to go, but hopefully we can trim some of the fat, and let horrible things like pumpkin spice Cheerios fall down to cereal hell where Paul Walker can enjoy their bland, peppery flavor for eternity.



Pumpkin Spice Frosted Mini Wheats: B
Pumpkin Spice Special K: C
Pumpkin Spice Cheerios: a HARD F.


Review by Josh

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